“Long distance relationships are so hard.”
"Does long-distance relationships ever work?”
“Isn’t it better to just end it?”
If you’ve ever considered getting into a long distance relationship, chances are you’ve been through one of these statements from your friends, family and colleagues.
Nobody seems to think, ‘long distance relationships work’.
There is no doubt about the fact that long distance relationships are hard. But when you find the right person, it definitely is worth it.
Yes, I mean it!
Long distance relationship is exciting. It is surprising. But it can even be terrifying.
When life takes the person you love and decides to toss him across distance, the relationship is going to get challenged. But you will end up learning a lot about him, down to his very core.
Although it won’t be a breezy walk, the journey is going to be full of ups and downs, adventurous. You will make mistakes and learn from them. You will start missing him more, you will love him more and same will happen to him too. Your relationship will grow in ways which may have never been possible without the distance.
Have you heard this beautiful quote about long-distance relationship…
”The longer the wait, the sweeter the kiss.”
Distance makes simple things seem so much sweeter. Seeing your beloved after a long time, being able to hold their hand, eating at the same table, feeling his touch - a long distance relationship teaches you the importance of the little things in a very sweet way.
So, what are some things a couple can do to make a long distance relationship work and last? Try these tips...
Like most things in life, you need to really, truly believe in your relationship for it to last. Every relationship is a big commitment, a long distance one - even more so. You cannot be half-hearted about your long distance relationship. It will get you nowhere.
"First and foremost, the two partners must believe that it can work,"
says Vince Brantley, Relationship Coach for Maze of Love.
Since you won't be seeing each other in person, communicating virtually becomes even more important. It’s imperative when it comes to maintaining your emotional connection.
You don’t always have to have long, deep conversations. You can simply talk about your day. Don’t allow large gaps in communication that you have to start from scratch every single time. This shows that you’re taking the time and effort to sustain your relationship. Mix up how you communicate - call, text, write an email, video chat or even write a letter every once in a while.
Body language is as crucial to communication as what you’re actually saying. However, in a long distance relationship, you don’t have clues like a person’s body language, tone or vibe. A text message cannot give you clues like a person’s face does.
(Read how to bring back spark in your relationship.)
So if something is on your mind the other person may not realize it from your tone or behaviour. You need to explicitly say it. Or else you end up feeling like your partner doesn’t ‘get you’. This causes emotions to boil inside and can lead to anger or resentment. Keeping emotions bottled up is like a volcano that doesn’t let off steam, eventually it builds up to a point where it blows its own head off.
”Keeping emotions bottled up is like a volcano that doesn’t let off steam. Say it like you mean it.”
You two don’t really have to communicate 12 hours a day to keep the relationship going. It’ll just seem clingy or possessive. Many couples feel the need to overcompensate for the distance with communication but it might actually make things worse as you’ll grow tired of each other soon.
The idea is to share with your beloved and not spam them constantly.
No matter how much you try, no relationship is hunky dory at all times. There will be times when long distance really really sucks. And the one person who can make you feel better isn’t around to do so.
Don’t shy away from letting yourself feel the emotions of those moments. Do whatever makes you feel better - cry if you have to or write it down. Just let it out. This too shall pass. And you don’t need to hesitate to share these moments with your loved one. They feel it too and a simple conversation with them will probably make you feel a lot better.
When it comes to long-distance relationships sometimes you have to go the extra mile, both figuratively and literally. You probably text them 100 times more than he texts you, they visit you 10 times more often than you can visit them. Maybe one of your calls more often and the other prefers to write. But don't keep score. Both of you must do what you do best (and do it often!) to make this work.
Having a date when you’re both oceans apart might seem like a silly idea but do it anyway. Silly is sometimes exciting!
It helps to set a fixed time every week for this rather than it being a one-off. This is a time you’re consciously setting aside to focus on your relationship and it means you’re treating it as a priority. Besides, it also gives you something to look forward to all week!
No matter how much you plan, how many dates you fix or how much you want to make it happen, sometimes life gets in the way.
You may get delayed by traffic or he may be stuck in a meeting or have an important test the next day. It sucks but it happens. Getting angry during such a situation doesn’t help anyone. Instead, approach it calmly and figure how best you can solve the problem. The partner who has a more flexible schedule can make some compromises every once in a while.
Like I said at the beginning, there are more skeptics in the world than believers. There will be a lot of people who will tell you that this will never work out and that you’re stupid for trying.
Don’t listen to them and for God’s sake, don’t let it affect you. As long as you both love, trust and respect each other and want to make it work, keep at it. This is your relationship. Not anybody else’s. So who cares what they say?
”There are more skeptics in the world than believers. Don’t listen to them.”
If you usually communicate on text, send them a handwritten letter. Make a care package for them. Get some flowers or chocolates delivered to them at work. Do something special for birthdays and anniversaries.
Sending little surprises is simple and natural when you are together but becomes a tad more complicated when the distance is involved. But use your creativity and charm them. These little surprises help keep the spark alive in between visits.
(Here is a cheatsheet of getting your kickass relationship goals.)
Buying a plane ticket to go and see them is a big thing. Remembering their birthday or your anniversary is a big thing. We usually focus so much on getting the big things right that we forget about the little things.
Take time out to text them Good morning every day. Or send them a dog video because they're a dog person. The big things may be the building bricks of your relationship but the little things are the cement that holds it all together.
Now this one depends on how close or far apart you are and how feasible it is for you to visit each other, logistically and financially. But try to maximise the possible visits. You can go to see him or he can come down to see you - in either case, try to meet as often as possible. Because no matter how good technology gets, it can never replace the physical presence of your person.
When you are going to be meeting after some time apart, it is normal that you will be spending most of your time with each other. In such a case, try and plan activities in advance to keep you occupied and excited for the duration of your visit.
That way, you won’t be sitting and staring at each other’s faces after the initial high wears off. Besides, planning a trip in the future in all its detailed glory gives you something to look forward to.
Modern technology is a blessing when it comes to making you feel close to someone even when they are miles apart. For times that you are not together, find activities that you can do with each other.
You can binge watch a TV series together. Or prepare a meal and eat together while video chatting. It’ll not only help you fill silences but also have something new to talk about.
When your significant other moves away, you are left with a lot of free time. Idle time can be your worst enemy because it can make you long for the person more or worse, overthink. Instead, look at this as an opportunity to focus on yourself.
Start a new hobby, learn Spanish or belly dancing, spend time with friends and family, do something you’ve been wanting to do for the longest time. Enjoy the fact that you have space to do what you want to do without being single. This is your time to work on your relationship with yourself as well.
Text messages leave too much to the imagination and hence have a huge scope for misunderstanding. While they may be useful for a lot of things, trying to solve your relationship issues over text is never a good idea.
Save the tough conversations for when you meet in person. If that seems too hard, at least discuss it over the phone.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder but out of sight is also out of mind. Keep little reminders of your partner around so that you never forget what a precious relationship you have.
Make their picture the wallpaper on your phone or keep it on your desk. Stay out of situations that tempt you to cheat. If you get flirty after a few drinks, avoid. If an attractive coworker wants to spend time together with you, avoid. Know your limits and stay two steps away from them.
Try to look at things from your partner’s perspective. This is true for any relationship but more so for long distance ones. Every time you find yourself getting jealous about a picture they posted with a pretty colleague or they cancel your Skype date for the third time that week, try to place yourself in their shoes. It might just go a long way in helping you understand where they are coming from.
If you’re in a long distance relationship, your partner is missing out on quality time with your loved ones. Because your friends and family love you, he is an important part of their lives too. Find a way to keep them connected.
Invite your parents for a few minutes on your next video call. At the same time, don’t be a stranger to his friends and family just because he isn't around, especially if they're in the same city as you.
No matter how many times you do it, saying goodbye never really gets easier. Be gentle with yourself for the first couple of days or even a full week after you say goodbye. Not being able to see the person you love for days or months on end is brutal.
Give yourself the time you need to cope and wallow. Don't be too hard on yourself. Some TLC from yourself is what you need most.
”It has been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. Accept it!”
Even on days when it seems extra hard, don’t let the distance get better of you. The next time you hold your loved one in your arms and hug him a little too tight, all of this effort, frustration and occasional pain will seem worth it.
Here are few best romantic novels which will give you the romance boost you need now.
In some ways, a long distance relationship can actually be pretty rewarding, Learning to live your life without each other can go a long way in teaching you how to appreciate each other, you realise how much better your life is with them in it and you never want to let go. A long distance relationship is a choice you make every day. Remember, you don’t need each other. You want to be with each other and you choose to be with each other.
Ending it with few lovely lines I read somewhere… Let me know your feelings in the comment.
A part of you has grown in me.
And so you see, it’s you and me
Together forever and never apart,
Maybe in distance, but never in heart.