Once you have fallen in love with the man of your dreams, everything seems to be alright.
You share our ups and downs with him, share a great camaraderie, silence is not awkward between you two and even in the worst-case scenario, he stands next to you, holding your hand with a reassuring smile.
After you both have spent a good amount of time together, enough to be confident that you guys are made for each other. You do start to think, how long we will be in a relationship?
The age factor, society and peer pressure and so on will bind you to think about marriage and that's when the round two of struggle begins.
Love marriages in India are difficult.
Especially when the girl and boy are not within the same caste, community, religion, financial status or even nationality (considering the special marriage act of 1954). Love marriages in India are still considered as an audacious step.
Many Indian elders are strictly against love marriages as they think it is a matter of shame to their culture and also deem it against their dignity. Furthermore, while there are few orthodox people in our society, who disown the couple marrying inter-caste, there are also some extremists who opt for “honour-killing”. But, that is just one part of the picture.
Indian parents nowadays have started to accept the fact that marrying in the same “gotra” or caste is not a ticket to a happy married life.
They also have begun to see the side effects of forcing their children into a marriage, which is not based on companionship or love for each other but is solely done for the case of family prestige.
For anyone who is a little liberal or slightly rational, love marriages are not a big deal for them. It is because at the end of the day, be it a love or an arranged, it is a marriage - a union as well as a constitution.
(Check out - Questions You Should Ask A Boy Before Arranged Marriage?)
In both cases, the couple has to carry out the same and equal amount of responsibilities and duties. Both the marriages have care, selfless dedication towards the other half and children along with a sheer belongingness involved. In short, both of them are based on the same foundation which is love and acceptance.
Therefore, none of them can be labeled good or bad. It all depends on the couple how they take forward their married life.
We may often wonder why some conventional Indian parents are so restricted when it comes to love marriages?
Well, the reasons are many and strangely when given a deep thought, to some extent they are genuine too.
We can not deny the fact that when a couple gets married and start living together, who are from a completely different cultural or ethical background, they are not on the same page, always.
Differences in their opinions, their way of expression, lifestyle and also finance handling are very obvious to exist. Not only this but also the families find it very difficult to adopt the new person and adapt to the new person’s cultural behavior.
The different rituals, festivals, customs, upbringing and most importantly the language difference, adds up to the constraints in the love marriages.
As it is said, “In India, the marriage is not only between the two-persons, its a marriage between two families”, it is certainly a complex scenario to deal with, when the marriage is between a set of two totally dissimilar groups.
These are some of the challenges that the parents worry about, right from the moment they start thinking about letting their daughter or son getting married in a different caste or religion.
Convincing an Indian parent for love marriages in different caste is a really exhaustive and exigent task. Being their children we should always be respectful while making them understand our viewpoint.
Before you start to convince your Indian parent about the love marriage, it is always good to do a self-assessment about yourself. Try checking for the below-mentioned attributes which may help in getting your parents approval.
Have a confident, committed, determined, equally serious-about-you and ready-to-accept-you-as-you-are type of partner. (you will have to be extra sure about the fact that your partner will stick to you through all the thicks and thins during this period.)
#1. Immune yet considerate toward emotional blackmails (esp towards mothers)
#2. Immune yet mature towards harsh words, reactions, questions.
#3. Self-reliant and financially stable (you and your partner)
#4. Strong networks with colleagues/friends/ relatives who have had married intercaste and are happy
#5. Have good achievement records and also a senior to back you and your decisions
#6. Have a complete knowledge about the person you are planning to marry, about his family background, his job description and a valid proof that he is a responsible guy (consider any of his achievements or any accolade)
#7. Have a strong, mature and confident yet polite come-back ready in your mind to the questions like,
#8. Sound practical, maintain a positive outlook and a patient attitude.
After you have passed the self-assessment, try taking your parents out for a dinner or strike a conversation when you as well as your parents are at ease.
Meanwhile, you should also understand your parents’ perspective. Try to understand that your parents are not your enemies.
They want you to be happy for the rest of your life and if they are denying your choice of marriage it is not because they don't love you. It is because they are worried that you might be taking an immature step. Considering the current trend of casual dating, they might be tensed that the guy is not right for you. Your parents might also be concerned about many factors such as financial, educational as well as societal status, which if not much, they do contribute to your overall well-being.
So try to think about putting yourself in their shoe. Once you start doing that, you will realize that their concerns are related to your happiness. You should address them carefully and continue to reassure them about your decision.
Parents always yearn for the betterment of their children. After all, they have raised and loved you from the time you were a newborn and will continue to do so till you keep growing old. Therefore, do try to pay heed to the concerns they are raising about the marriage. Take their critical reviews as a checkpoint for yourself too.
As it is aptly said that “Love is blind", but you don’t have to be, make sure you tally their concerns with your partner.
If you happen to get a reality-shock after confirming with your partner, you can and should always think of reconsidering your decision. See if you can work it out with him. But if you feel that the problems are manageable and can be handled well, try ensuring your parents about the same.
When things don’t seem to be working fine between you and your parents, you may feel weary. After you have tried your level best and none are convinced, try speaking to your partner. He is an integral part of the entire discussion. He should actively pitch in and try himself to take your parents into confidence.
The parents might look stubborn and may not be ready to apprehend your situation, nonetheless. During such hard times, you may have to give them time, more than you expect.
However, if you are more than confident and more than willing to take up the challenge for the rest of your life, take a stand for yourself.
Do let us know in the comment section below, how you feel about love marriages and if you have any similar experiences.