“It isn’t working out...”
“No No...It's not you, it’s me...”
“We need to talk.”
Breakups are messy.
It is absolutely no surprise why people tend to avoid breakups as far as possible. But even the best of relationships go downhill and sometimes, holding on becomes more painful than letting go. As much as it sucks, it is true that relationships run their course. Or we tend to outgrow them. Either way, it becomes necessary to let it go and move on.
(Are you depressed because you are breaking up? Here are 7 badass rules for every woman to overcome depression. )
A lot of times, people are hesitant about breaking up. This is particularly common in modern relationships with the new trend of ‘ghosting’ (I too heard this term first time today.)
Ghosting is a way to make your boyfriend breakup with you first. The tactic is to ignore him for a while until he decides to fight and say he can’t take the relationship anymore.
Ending a relationship is always difficult but it doesn’t have to be painful. When done right, it can actually help prevent a lot of heartache and part ways amicably. A few months down the line, you may even end up becoming friends again, who knows!
So now you’ve decided your relationship isn’t working out and want to end it?
Here’s a handy guide to help you get through it without breaking his heart and your’s own:
Is your anger towards your partner about something temporary? Are you likely to want him back? What if he asks for a second chance, would you allow him back in your life or are you fed up with his repetitive ignorance?
These are hard questions that you need to ask yourself before ending the relationship. Before you have the final talk with him, make sure you have answers for sure that this is what you want.
There is very little going back from such a decision, so make sure it is well thought out and not impulsive or rash.
Breaking up with someone is hard to do but leading them on by pretending everything is okay when it isn’t, is worse. If you have decided that you aren’t happy or the relationship isn’t going where you’d want for it to head, then save both of you some unnecessary heartache by ripping off the band-aid as soon as possible. It is scary but believes me, it is better this way.
Tell him straightforward, it’s over… It’s hard but it’s the right way.
It is very tempting to have a vague, open to interpretation conversation. It even helps to leave a little wiggle room in case you decide you want to have them back.
Sometimes we may end up doing this without realising we are. So it is important to be mindful. Keep your communication clear and precise. It just leaves lesser scope for misunderstandings.
You cannot breakup with someone without telling them the reason why.
Breakups often leave the other person feeling rejected and worthless. Telling him a genuine reason why it isn’t working for you not only gives him closure but also reassures him that he is not a bad person but he is just not the right person for you.
It’ll give him a little peace when he will give it a deep thought sometime in future.
There is no reason to criticise everything you hated about him. Or bring up every single time he messed up. It is in the past and probably will not concern your future. Talking about it would give scope to arguments.
No bad relationship ever is one person’s fault. It usually is because it’s a union of two people who are not or no longer compatible with each other. It takes two hands to clap. Nobody is perfect and it was probably just as much your fault as it was his.
Just make it sure in your mind that either he or you have outgrowth the mutual bond and hence it is a wise decision to move on into your individual journeys and forget each other.
(Read how to forget someone you love.)
Keeping calm is much easier said than done but yelling and screaming at someone is never a good idea. Even if it feels like a very good idea at the moment.
"Say what you mean, but don't say it mean." —Andrea Wachter
If your breakup is for a serious reason such as a cheating partner, this gets even more tempting. But breakups are messy enough without the added layer of drama. So stick to your guns, be firm but also be kind.
Breakups are harder on the person who hasn’t initiated it. Whether the writing has been on the wall for a while or this is out of the blue for them, chances are they aren’t going to take it very well.
There will probably be tears. Lots of them. And he will most likely ask for a second chance. You may feel the need to give it one more shot. Take a moment to pause and think about this. Do you really want to try again? Or are you melting because he is emotional and you love him?
Proceed accordingly.
So if you’ve decided that you still want to end this relationship, go on to say your final goodbye with confidence.
Again, remember to be respectful. Wish him well for his future. Experts say that you should avoid getting too physical during the final goodbye as it can cause more confusion and stir lingering feelings but if you feel a last warm hug works for you, I’d say go for it. But be careful to not involve too much into it.
Even if you have decided to stay friends or keep in touch, it is best to avoid contact in the first place.
Keeping in touch will most likely lead to one of the following scenarios:
1. You constantly keep fighting even after the breakup.
2. You talk when you miss each other and go back to an unhealthy relationship.
3. You probably have a drunken hookup or rebound and are left with zero clarity on where you are now.
Neither of them sounds very good. So cut off from him. Give yourself and him the space you need to think and to detach. Once the hearts have healed, you may end up establishing contact once again to become friends. It will be much more healthy this way.
Just because you were the one who took the initiative to end it doesn’t mean that the breakup isn’t hard on you.
Give yourself some TLC and let yourself recuperate. Instead of finding a rebound or drowning your sorrows in alcohol, try to find a hobby. Spend time with your friends and family. Go on a vacation. Do something you’ve always dreamt of doing. This is your opportunity to rediscover who you are - outside of your relationship.
Here are 5 tips to deal with your breakup.
To end a relationship is a big decision, it is made much worse by the heartache that you have to tell him and probably break his heart. Even if it makes you feel anxious or seems scary, don’t let it terrify you into getting stuck in a rut.
If the relationship isn’t right for you, to be honest, it isn’t right for him either. He deserves someone who wants to be with him 100%. While it may seem like very tough to do at the moment, it is leading you both to happier and more fulfilling relationships.
I know so many ladies through sheroes community who have broken up with their boyfriends and were really hurt by it. But it took a moment of sharing, meeting with new friends that they are happier this way that they were in their relationship.
So take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing. Together you may have been a recipe for disaster but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re both lovely, wonderful people who deserve more than an unfulfilling relationship. You’d rather be happy individuals than an unhappy couple.
Breathe. Smile. Let it go. It is time to move on and cheer!! Yo!